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Tap Dancing on Eggshells
Contributed by :Mitzi Bryant of
HeartSighs
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You know there are certain steps you were supposed to
have learned, and you're trying with all of your might to dance them. You know
if you don't get it just right, all hell will break loose-and you will be the
one to blame. If this sounds familiar to you, then you are a survivor of emotional
or verbal abuse. Often the most insidious form of abuse, it affects many women
long after the divorce is final.
I lived in an abusive relationship for many years,
believing that I was the problem. That's a fairly common feeling among survivors,
who have often heard that they were the ones to blame. Emotional abusers are
short-tempered, controlling, and manipulative people who often have the own
perception of reality (which includes blaming).
Most people thought that we had the ideal marriage. I
was the good corporate wife, a Stay-At-Home-Mom of two, with a loving, devoted
husband. We had The American Dream as most people dream it. Things, however, were
not what they appeared. We were two people trapped in a cycle of abusive behavior
that was damaging to us both, and eventually to our children. He had a problem
with anger, most of which was focused on me. I became a lightening rod for all of
his frustrations, his fear, and his rage. He became unable to perceive any reality
but his own. Events were remembered as he remembered them; situations interpreted
as he saw them. To his friends, family, and co-workers, he was cordial and polite,
but inside he seethed.
I don't mean to diminish the pain of victims of physical
violence when I say that there were times that I wished that he would hit me. I
could see that he wanted to so badly, and I would flinch and think, "THEN someone
would believe me". I carried no bruises or scars on the outside, but on the inside
I was devastated. Believing that I was the problem, my self-esteem hit bottom and
I began to experience depression and anxiety. I spent so much of my life
paralyzed-not knowing how to prevent the anger, not knowing how to make things
better, not knowing how to stop the train wreck we were experiencing.
After 14 years, we divorced, and the slow process of
healing began. I had to get to know myself again, and relearn so many of the ways
that I perceive things. Learning to like myself, learning to forgive myself
(and him) were huge hurdles in the beginning, but these things become more
manageable every day. Because we have children, he is a presence in my life, and
we still fall into the old patterns. It's a conditioned response for me-I tense up,
the adrenaline rushes, my heart pounds, and my mind races trying to anticipate
and divert. The stress of living in an abusive relationship is unbelievable, and
the old responses do not go away overnight.
Learning to be assertive despite his disapproval has
been a difficult task, but has been the most rewarding thing I've ever accomplished.
I don't play the games anymore, because I have more respect for myself. My life
is peaceful because I've learned that I am not a victim, I am a survivor.
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| Submitted by:Mitzi Bryant is an accountant and
freelance writer, when not being Single Mom to her three children: Will, Kate,
and Anna. She writes poetry, parenting humor, and articles on the trials and
joys of being a single parent. Mitzi and her little family live, love, work,
and play in Alabama.
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