Whether it’s a new job combined with a divorce, or the loss of a loved one combined with a move, there may be several difficult times in your life. The fact that most major life changes involve multiple stressors can complicate your adjustment. In fact, it might be more appropriate to call it an “adaptation.”
It’s hard enough to get divorced, but at the same time you may have to move, get a new job, reorient your social situation, and adjust to a child custody arrangement that’s different.
Down-sizing may involve a move, a shift in lifestyle, a new school for the children, and discord with your partner.
What can you do to help yourself through these hard times, and thrive?
Tips for Surviving Change and Thriving
Monitor your self-talk closely.
What you say to yourself about what’s going on can make all the difference in your ability to cope well. If the thought runs through your mind “This is terrible,” you’re doubling the impact of the trauma.
Discipline yourself to control your self-talk. If possible, substitute a positive phrase, such as “I’m fine right now,” or “Everything’s going to be fine.” If you can’t make it there, substitute something light and meaningless. “Roses are red and violets are blue” works better than “woe is me.” Or recite the alphabet. It’s like counting sheep.
Focus on the moment.
Chances are that while the big picture has been shaken, you’re doing okay right now, at this moment.
Don’t catastrophize.
Whatever’s going on, we really never know the future, and fantasizing dire results won’t help your ability to cope right now, which is what you need to be doing. Stay with the moment and be as positive as you can.
Get help.
Isolation is the worst thing you can do to yourself at any time in your life. Reach out to your social support network. Get professional help from a coach, counselor or therapist, who can help you reframe your thoughts about what’s going on, and help you manage your feelings better.
Draw on your strengths.
Hopefully you’ve taken something like the StrengthsFinder® Profile, which can tell you your innate strengths – the ones that never leave you. Whether you have Relator, Activator, Focus or Deliberativeness, these are strengths that will always see you through hard times They’re there for you to rely on.
Another strengths profile you can take that’s free is the VIA, available at www.authentichappiness.com.
Review your EQ competencies.
Review the EQ competencies, and see what you can bring to bear on the situation. Resilience, for instance, means being able to weather hard times and bounce back with hope and enthusiasm. At such times, your EQ is far more important than your IQ. Take an EQ course, or work with a certified EQ coach.
Remember what you knew when the sun shined.
This may be involve faking it till you make it, but there was a quieter time in your life that you can go back to. Remember how the world looked to you at that time, and borrow from this buoyancy.
Practice Learned Optimism.
The essence of an optimistic attitude is avoiding the downward spiral into despair and pessimism. No matter what’s going on, look on the bright side and give yourself credit. Distract yourself when you can with happy or comforting diversions. Don’t dwell. And don’t bad attribute things to “personal, permanent, or pervasive,” as pessimists do. There are generally many causes to adverse situations. Choose ones that don’t place the blame on you. Don’t consider them permanent, and don’t apply them across-the-board to your life and personality.
It’s temporary.
Nothing lasts forever! Whether it’s good or bad, it will change, so hang in there and work through it.
Gratitude.
More and more research is showing us how important gratitude is as a stress relief. Write down every morning what you have to be grateful for. It’s too easy to get to focusing on what’s missing, when in actuality, there are always many things you can be grateful for.
Like a bone that breaks and then heals stronger than before, you can triumph through adversity if you know how to process the event, and how to build resilience. Work on your Emotional Intelligence and you’ll be better prepared for those curves life can throw you.
