It's easy to want, to desire, and to dream about what we want. One thing is certain, we humans are never short on desire. But desire is only where we start as creators; it is not the finish line. Few people, though, understand how much their desires--at least to be fulfilled--require of them. Our desires demand that we live up to them and that we give up things that may be serving us in some partially fulfilling way, but not serving our hearts deepest desires.

A teacher of mine used to say, "If you want the perfect partner be the perfect partner." This is the crux of it: we must have the willingness to be that which we want, to live in integrity with it, and to live as though we already have it. And, we must be unwilling to have something less, while maintaining that paradoxical position of release--being poised to receive and yet not willful.

Many clients tell me that they desire--even long for--a partner, someone special and perfect for them to share life with. Then, in the course of coaching, they often have major realizations concerning the myriad ways they are not living in integrity with what they want, and in fact, many times are engaging in behaviors that undermine their desires. For example, one client realized that although he deeply wanted a partner, he had not really been willing to "give up" being single. He hadn't saved money; he hadn't made his home "partner friendly" (it was the same bachelor pad he'd lived in while in college 12 years ago); he dates many different women, even women he knows are not the right partner for him.

The contradictions in this are many and his profound realization was that he has to "give up" all the things that are not resonating with his being partnered. You can't have it both ways: you can't live the bachelor lifestyle and be with your perfect partner at the same time. There is always a part of us being served by our contradictions, by our willingness to settle for less. We settle for than less than what our hearts desire for some very good reasons. What's important is to finally wake up to that and be willing to give up that pay off.

What I find is that almost every client who comes to me desperately wanting a partner has many contradictions going on to prevent that partner from showing up. In some cases, they may be using feng shui, making vision boards, and surfing internet dating sites. They may even be reciting affirmations and meditating daily on having their partner. They may be "doing" all kinds of things to try to make their outer world correspond to what they want inwardly. The problem is that this is going about it backwards.

The first and only thing we can do is to bring the inner self in correspondence with our desires. Once we do, we naturally find that we must "give up" many ways of being that are not conducive to what we most deeply want. We have to give up old payoffs that no longer serve us and who we most want to be.

Many times we uncover and address deeper level contradictions regarding beliefs in coaching. But a good place to start is with our actions, which actually stem from our beliefs so they can be quite revealing. Here are just a few actions that some people engage in that contradict their desire for a committed partnership: having an ex- as a "safety net," having a sex buddy, dating anyone who is clearly a "no." These are all ways of being that reveal a willingness to settle for less that what the heart desires. We must be willing to give up the "friend with fringe benefits" (sex); we must "give up" the best buddy boyfriend who takes care of all our needs but doesn't spark our hearts deepest longing; we have to give up the ex-girl friend that might do if our perfect partner doesn't show up. We have to be willing to "give up" what meets our needs partially and require that our needs be met completely.

Settling for anything less than your deepest desire means that the universe has no reason to give you what your heart truly desires. The question to ask is: Are you really willing to have it, to live up to it by not being available to something less? Are you ready to live in integrity with your hearts deepest longings? If you are--and when you are--the universe will correspond accordingly.

About the Author : Pamela Ramey-Tatum is a relationship coach.  More is available from Pamela at : http://www.empoweringlove.com