I've been experiencing quite a bit of emotional upheaval lately around two people in my life. I view it as a necessary part of my evolution. Last Wednesday was a day where I, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't go more than ten or fifteen minutes without dissolving into tears.

In an attempt to cheer myself up a bit, I turned on Oprah and was delighted to find Gary Zukav on stage with her. But as I listened, I began to get upset - not at what he was saying, but at the way in which the results were presented.

I listened to a woman who had been raped smiling as she shared how her life had changed since she had decided to forgive her rapist. I watched as a young woman, who had felt disconnected from her family her entire life, extolled the virtues of forgiving her adoptive parents for lying to her for eighteen years.

I concur that anger is best handled with forgiveness and compassion. Holding onto resentment doesn't do any of us any good. The question I posed as I sat watching Oprah that day was "How many people, who are suffering in some way, are tuned into this show and asking themselves, 'What's wrong with me? Why aren't I where these people are?'"

I have spent an enormous amount of energy and time processing the issues in my life that have caused me emotional pain. And even I was susceptible to believing that internal voice of "What am I doing wrong?" even if it was only for a minute.

The answer is I'm not doing anything wrong. The answer is that, in my opinion, much of the good that Oprah episode could've accomplished, was mitigated by ignoring the very process that enabled the people singing the praises of forgiveness to get there.

The sunny light in which these women's results were presented completely ignored the darkness that process often necessitates. A process that is different for each of us. There is a huge difference between working through the emotional pain of rape or betrayal and discovering that someone lied to you about how good you really look in that red suit.

I accept that nothing can actually hurt our souls, that our existence on this planet is merely a personality illusion. I also believe that my soul has chosen the people and situations in my life to learn the lessons that it needs to learn.

But the reality is that we are living a human experience and the pain we feel from having been betrayed is very real. Even Jesus was vulnerable to human pain. Rumi mourned the loss of his beloved teacher Shams Tabriz. The Buddha felt the pain of human suffering.

I understand what Gary Zukav is saying - and I agree - forgiveness and compassion are the optimal ways to handle life's challenges. My frustration comes from the way that an hour-long talk show format forces it to be presented. Yes, forgiveness is a choice. But I believe it is a process to get to a place where one can make that choice. And many times, a process that is repeated at a variety of levels.

Many times, I've believed with all of my being that I have forgiven someone, only to have a seemingly unrelated event occur that makes me realize that I haven't. It has left me stunned because I truly believed I'd put it behind me. I've realized that forgiveness is a multi-layered and complex process. We can forgive someone at different levels for as long as we draw breath.

One of the reasons for this is because we are conditioned to not express our anger. By suppressing it, we hold onto it. Then, because it has become a part of us, we attract people and experiences to us that are reflective of that anger. We can spend an entire lifetime being angry at a variety of things and never reach the real core of that anger.

By choosing forgiveness, you step onto that path of process. But the rewards of joy and peace espoused on Oprah are the result of a challenging and often painful process. Forgiveness, in my experience, comes in waves. And you deal with what you are capable of dealing with in that moment.

All any of us can do is make the commitment to be willing to forgive. And then allow what needs to come into our conscious awareness to do so. This requires a willingness to relinquish the illusion of control. It is also requires a willingness to deal with the pain that will accompany it. Love DOES bring up everything unlike itself to be healed.

So the next time you're watching Oprah or another talk show, and you're listening to testimonials from people who are experiencing the rewards of forgiveness, remember this. Those rewards come from having had the courage to go through the process - to accept responsibility for whatever your role may have been and to have the faith that your soul chose that experience so that you could learn and continue to evolve.

You're not seeing their tears, their breakdowns, and their hysteria. You're not seeing them curled up in fetal position, paralyzed from their feelings. I'm here to assure you that those facets are all normal parts of the process. I suggest you cry, scream, hyperventilate and do whatever else you feel you need to. It means you're on you're way!

Copyright 2000

About the Author : Staci Backauskas, author of The Fifth Goddess. Staci is a teacher and speaker whose articles have appeared on numerous spiritually oriented Internet sites.