Relationships

Years ago I saw a variety act on TV where a man spun plates balanced on top of thin poles. He'd get several going, set up a new one, run back and re-spin the first group, then repeat the cycle. Running back and forth, focusing only on keeping the plates spinning, he became frantic. He could only balance so many plates before some would start wobbling and crash. When he eventually lost control, all the plates came crashing down.

Sometimes life feels like that. It's even worse for people dealing with an abusive mate.

Life becomes a balancing act. Some people liken it to walking a tight rope, where the smallest false move can cause a fall. Others describe it as having to 'walk on eggshells', very carefully lest they break.

Focusing on keeping the peace can prevent one from taking a good look at the relationship. There isn't time and if you stop, some of those plates will fall. So you go on. Getting through life one day at a time, and sometimes, a minute at a time. Abusers are like puppet masters, pulling strings, directing the actions and reactions of 'his' puppets. Sometimes subtly, sometimes dramatically. (I'll use both gender pronouns, since abusers can be either sex.)

Take conversation. With most people it is an exchange of ideas and information, whether regarding business, opinions, dreams or other personal information. With an abuser, conversation is war. Innocent comments become challenges, simple questions become inquisitions, and requests become demands.

To an abuser, the simple question: "How was your day?" becomes: "What have you been doing all day? Have you done something you shouldn't have? Who did you talk to?" And the abuser reacts to what was 'heard' instead of what was said. "I don't have to tell you what I do. It's none of your business."

Abusers are complicated people. Well, aren't we all, but an abuser is even more so. It's almost impossible for a spouse to discuss anything with an abuser without getting in trouble. Sometimes it feels as though it's better to keep quiet, and that may be exactly what the abuser wants. That way it isn't necessary to justify his self-centered views. That way he doesn't have to be bothered by requests for his time or money. The abuser can do what she wants, come and go without answering to anyone.

Just to keep the victim off guard, though, every now and then the abuser will criticize even the silence and meek acceptance the victim uses to keep a low profile. So, in the end, there's no winning with an abuser. No matter what is done, the abuser sees it as the wrong way to behave and will use it as an excuse to vent anger.

Living with an abuser calls for extreme balancing skills. Most people who live with an abuser realize that it is necessary to think through every action and word. Not knowing how the abuser will react keeps the victim off balance, more vulnerable to the abuse. The unpredictable behavior of an abuser keeps the victim confused. This works to the abuser's advantage, since confusion makes it very difficult to make a decision, especially one as difficult as whether or not to leave a relationship.

About the author : Nora Penia is an educator who has worked with abuse victims for 15 years. Her suspense novel called Invisible Chains, is available at Amazon and other bookstores. Her website, At the Fence, deals with real life issues.