Soapbox

I can't stand obligation. To me, it brings up memories of 'holy days of obligation' where, as a child, I was dragged to a church to listen to a lengthy sermon I didn't understand because my family's religion expected it. The focus was on what we 'should' do, rather than understanding why. This act was a priority in the family because the church said it was a priority. 'Period, end of discussion, now get your coat, we're going.'

Obligation walks hand in hand with 'should' as well as guilt. Often times, the hassle involved in fulfilling an obligation is nothing compared to the guilt that comes from not handling an obligation. As we all know, guilt is like a wrecking ball to one's peace of mind. Avoid it at all costs!

So, to avoid drowning in an ocean of guilt, we begrudgingly comply with our obligations, only to find ourselves now drowning in sea of resentment. Talk about getting stuck between a rock and a hard place!

For the past several years, my elderly fathers health has deteriorated. He is at the point where he is unable to care for himself, or to make basic decisions for himself. It has been a horrible thing to witness.

This deterioration has been so severe that he relies entirely upon one of my sisters and myself to a degree comparable to a toddler. Both my sister and I have lives of our own, and neither lives incredibly close to him. His dependence has become a very heavy burden, physically and spiritually.

I don't know that things would be easier if we were a 'Leave it to Beaver' type of family, where everyone was always happy and no one needed a translation guide to understand what another person really meant. We are far from perfect, and all pretty enmeshed in our own personal baggage. But the reality is that my father's dependence, through no fault of his own, has grown to such a degree, I find it virtually impossible to want to do anything for him. It has all boiled down to acts of obligation....and resentment......and guilt. The whole thing feels like the downward spiral of a whirlpool, with no way out.

My very wise sister Sheila reminded me of something I had not considered, and it probably is the only way either of us can survive in this situation. If we can act out of compassion, rather than obligation, the burden will lessen. It will no longer be about 'having to do....'. The trick is to act as I am able, simply because someone needs help. That someone can either be my father or myself. If I'm doing too much for him, and resenting it, I am not showing compassion to myself.

It's a fine line to walk, but it means the difference between resentment and serenity.

all the best,

Catie

Copyright 2001, WomanLinks.com

About the Author : Catie Hayes is founder/editor of WomanLinks.com; a community of support, spirituality, growth and empowerment for women. She is a freelance writer, the single homeschooling mom of two, and an avid fan of laughter, spontaneous dancing, cats and chocolate (not necessarily in that order).